What One Looks for in a Submissive

By Ms. Constance

Someone asked me on a private basis recently what it was I looked for in a submissive. I think that's a valid question, and a common one coming from a novice. I'm going to answer it on a more public and fairly general basis. I think, by and large, that most dominants look for primarily the same things. This is, however, more about male submissives than about females, I think. The first thing I look for is both intelligence and humor. I like smart people, I like funny people. I look for precisely the same things in any people I find I like. The person on my arm is a reflection of me. I want that reflection to be bright and shiny.

...if you haven't got any limits, you've not thought about this enough...
I look for a certain self-knowledge and self-analysis. I want a submissive to understand themselves and understand what they're looking for. I want the submissive to have given this a great deal of thought. I don't want to waste my time with someone who is pursuing this on a momentary whim and will disappear the first time it becomes difficult. This ISN'T an easy lifestyle, and someone who hasn't considered this adequately won't understand that, will bail the first time they figure that out. At best, I'll have wasted my time and theirs, at worst our hearts will be a bit tenderer for the experience, and neither are worth it.

When talk turns to limits, I don't want them to have absolutely none, or list 33 things they won't do, ending with children and animals. Of course my activities don't include children or animals, to do otherwise would be both non-consensual and insane. To have them mentioned is always disconcerting to me, as if they thought I might bring them up. Neither an animal nor a child is able to offer informed consent; therefore activities involving either of them are inappropriate at best. I always think that they'll next add that they also consider robbing gas stations to be a limit.

On the other hand, if you haven't got any limits, you've not thought about this enough, because I guarantee that there are things you would not do, whoever you are, whatever those things are.

...if all you can talk about is what you want me to do to you, you will lose my interest quickly.
If, instead, you have long laundry lists of limits, perhaps this isn't the lifestyle for you. I've had novice submissives tell me that their limits were absolutely no pain, absolutely no bondage, absolutely nothing at all in a public setting where anyone else might ever know that they were submissive, and that, in return for this carte blanche, they would be willing to "help out" with the housework. Oh, and I could, if we lived far enough apart, have other relationships. It doesn't work that way. You should know your limits, but if you're unwilling to explore any of the darker sides of this dynamic, perhaps this is a poor choice for you.

Have an understanding of what you're looking for before you start your search. You're more likely to find it. Know how often you want to see someone, what you would be willing to do - would you relocate, for instance? Do you want a complete power exchange, where you become chattel without rights, or do you just want to spank each other during sex every once in a while. Both are acceptable and you'll likely find someone who is compatible regardless, but not if you can't say what it is you're looking for.

I want them to know what interests them, and when I ask for interests, I don't want a lengthy list of all the things they want done to them. It's fine to say that you love to give foot massages or that you want to be trained as a sissy maid, or that you'd like to know more about pony play. But if all you can talk about is what you want me to do to you, you will lose my interest quickly. Bear in mind, too, that sometimes when I ask about interests, I mean, do you like to travel, do you like to read, what kinds of movies do you like, etc. It's not always about sex. Often, it's not about sex at all.

In that vein, understand that this is not only a sexual dynamic, and that, in fact, in many cases it is NOT a traditional sexual relationship at all. It's assumed that in addition to some play activities, a submissive offers other services. They cook. They clean. They run errands. They do gardening. They do laundry. They provide a service that is part of the submission. Think about your own skills, know what you can and will do, understand the time you really have available. If you can spare three hours a week, don't expect that the relationship will consist of three hours a week of play, concentrating on you.

I look for someone who believes they have self-worth.
There's nothing wrong with personal ads or even speaking to people online as a means to get to know someone. I talk to new people all the time. But bear in mind that others are not here to answer your questions as to their age, measurements, interests and toybag contents. Be courteous, offer information before you ask for it, remember that there's a real person on the other end of the screen and behave as you would face to face.

I look, too, for those who seem to have a genuine desire to please, those who seem to understand the concept of obedience. I don't mind novices, but they are often more challenging because they don't always understand precisely what a D/s relationship is like. That can be difficult. I do want to know, honestly, what their experience is, and, personally, again I do not want a long list of things done to them in the past. I want to know if their old girlfriend tied them up a couple times, or if they had a Mistress for three years or if they've been to pros only. All of them tell me something about their experiences.

I look for someone who believes they have self-worth. If you don't think you have anything to offer, then why should I think you do? I don't want someone kneeling because they can't stand upright.

In other words, I look for the same things one would look for in any relationship, other than I also look for someone who is both willing and able to submit their will to mine.

Take that for what it's worth, or ignore it totally. :)